thatnight.net

Happy I missed you

I was lying around today watching Titanic and pondering how mush my mind has become, because for some reason, when I first saw that movie (5th grade?) I was all, ugh, Leo is such an icky pretty boy, and now I’m all, GOD give him to me.

Maybe because I’m finally close enough to the age he’s supposed to be in the movie?

Now that I think about it, no, I’m pretty sure he played a 20-year-old. Am I over two years older than Jack Dawson?

This is why I can’t get myself out of bed anymore.

I wrote once before about how I came across an old etiquette book during my sophomore year of college. In reality, I don’t know why I don’t just come right out and say things — things like, once, I was dating this boy during my sophomore year of college and saw an old etiquette book in his room that he got from working at the library and I stole it.

I’ve never actually sat down and read the thing, but I still love flipping through and making note of the good ones.

From Etiquette by Post, 1922:

On Phrases Avoided in Good Society: “A girl may be lovely to look at as she stands in a seemingly unstudied position and in perfect clothes. But let her say ‘Gee, it looks swell!’ and where is her loveliness then?”

On Courtship: “It is the immediate duty of the man to go to the girl’s father and ask his consent. If her father refuses, the engagement cannot exist.”

On Sharing with your Girlfriend: “It is perfectly suitable for her to drive his car, or ride his horse, but, if she would keep her self-respect, the car must not become hers nor must she use his furniture until she is given his name.”

On Divorce: “Divorce is too serious a subject to be more than barely mentioned in such a book as this.” Also, “The strict rules of etiquette demand that the divorced meet as total, and unspeaking, strangers.”

On Travel: “A ‘lady’ who has not enough money to travel properly with a maid should stay at home.”

On Parties: “What makes a brilliant party? Clothes. Good clothes. A frumpy party is nothing more or less than a collection of badly dressed persons.”

Roast

Hey. Rachel is not feeling up to snuff right now. In fact, some may say that the darkest of clouds hovering above her head has gathered enough precipitation to crash onto her noggin. Poor thing. In the meantime, I’m here to ease your addiction.

I’m Dan. You might remember me from such blogs as Hobo Digest, Moonshine Memoirs, Boxcar Bums, Idiots Frozen in Time, and my critically acclaimed autobiography, Stuck in a Well: The Life and Times of Danial the Cocker Spaniel.

Her and I have been through so much. There was this one time where she made me Spaghetti O’s and, in return, I kindly dropped my (hot!) bowl on the floor. I showed her. There was also this one time when she ate an entire meatball hoagie, as well as my meatball hoagie, in one sitting. I mean Good Lord, Rachel. And yet, she still looks trim.

We weren’t always that friendly, oh no. We went for a walk together once and she was so ashamed of me. And you know why? Because I was walking with a LONG stride. That has to be some sort of prejudice right? Hey, if you got long legs you stay away from this girl. Word of advice.

Speaking of legs, this girl’s got two of them. She has used them on and off the lacrosse field, but mostly off.  She used to buy Brooks running shoes to be just like me, then tell me she went out and ran “8 miles.”  This was never actually documented by anyone but herself so it’s hard to be sure. Usually these “lies” would last a couple of days until she lost her running luster and went back to scrapbooking.

The scrapbooking was a horrible habit. Routinely, she would drag me to Michaels or Jo-Ann Fabrics to find “good deals” on supplies. Whether there was a good deal to be had or not, Rachel would stand and stare at the same stupid paper every time and then leave after spending at least $50. Then she would go home and scrapbook until she fell asleep in her underground den. It’s like she has the DNA of Mr. Monopoly and a bear.

Currently she pets Bello (part time) and reads any book she wants whenever she wants. It’s not easy being Rachel, but Lord knows she’s trying.