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Advice from turkey sandwiches
February 14, 2008
I woke up this morning completely miserable. I didn’t consciously acknowledge Valentine’s Day, although I knew it was sitting patiently in the back of my mind, poking the inside of my skull with a rusty, decrepit Cupid’s arrow that’s been stuck in there for five years.
I may have been angry that I couldn’t go about my day without having my unwarranted grouchiness attached to something. Being cranky because it’s Valentine’s Day made me even crankier, since the world is out there, wondering why I just stood in my front yard flipping off the horizon with both hands. She must have a lousy love life, poor dear.
I also woke up hungry, and decided that I needed Panera, or I might as well pop some Dramamine and stay in bed till the weekend. I threw on jeans, didn’t touch my hair, and loaded the dog into the car.
My steep, upward driveway, a solid sheet of ice since yesterday, hadn’t thawed as much as I’d hoped under the uncommon winter sun, and it took me at least twelve tries to back out. I would reverse at an angle, hoping to gain some momentum, and my tires would squeal and smoke before I drifted slowly back down. Fifteen minutes later, I was on my way, circling the side streets for a parking spot. I pulled into a loading zone and sauntered inside.
I placed my order: a smokehouse turkey Panini. It’s hot, it’s flat, and it’s loaded with bacon. It’s wonderful. And I was ready to eat it.
After finally ending up back in my dining room, I excitedly peeled back the paper wrapping, and nearly collapsed when I saw an ugly, cold, mayonnaise-covered turkey sandwich on white bread. I thought about how nice it would feel to cry and get on with my day, but I was angry again. I couldn’t understand who in their right mind would go to Panera and spend almost $7 on a plain turkey sandwich. I could walk next door to the grocery store and spend the same amount on turkey sandwich supplies. And then I could make ten turkey sandwiches.
I marched back out to my car and slammed my ignition, getting up the driveway on the first try. I half-assed a parallel parking attempt and went inside. I found the girl, explained my situation, and was met with the look. Are you serious? I was suddenly less self-righteous and extremely self-conscious. I hated being that girl.
She disappeared into the kitchen and an older woman stepped out. She looked at me, a pale girl in a pea coat with smeared makeup and yesterday’s hair. “How’s your Valentine’s Day, sweetheart?”
I was staring off at the giant hanging menus when she asked, and I looked towards her, shuffling in place. “Oh…fine.”
She leaned sideways on the counter separating us and knowingly shook her head.
“Girl,” she started, slowly. “I know exactly what it’s like when you’re expecting a hot, fresh, crisp turkey sandwich and all you can get is a cold, flabby thing that you just shouldn’t settle for.”
She chuckled once and walked back towards the kitchen, and I laughed, becoming slightly less of a Valentines Grinch.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Selling your Office collection? Oh, the humanity!
Good luck! Oh, and I’ll pass on the turkey sandwich.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I have a friend who wants to make a t-shirt commemorating her survival of Valentine’s Day alone. We agreed that it might just be best to ignore the holiday except when ‘in a relationship’ as Facebook calls it.
February 14th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
I hate it when that happens to me and I always go back and demand what I paid for :) Good for you!
February 14th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
I hate it when you are completely outraged and then realize you shouldn’t take it out on the salesperson (or in my case this morning, airline representative). I know they don’t deserve it, but where am I supposed to direct my frustration?
February 14th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
I love what that woman said.
What an excellent relationship metaphor!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Happy valentines day!! which wasnt so happy in both of our cases :)
but thats life i am glad u had fun with the turkey sandwich and it gave u a good run for your money..
that old lady sure knows a thing or 2 about relation ships..
take care and enjoy your weekend
February 14th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Oh my goodness, you make me laugh histerically out loud….so much that I want to tell everyone how freakin funny you are. Thanks for the Valentine “pick-me-up”.
February 14th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
That’s HILARIOUS! I’m so glad you fought for the hot, crispy, delicious sandwich–these things MATTER!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I’m looking for the hot fresh crispy “turkey sandwich” to hang out with, so I guess I’ll just watch Lost tonight. No flabby cold white bread sandwiches there!
February 14th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
wow talk about a “good start” to the day. I hope it got better, I mean a girl like you should hardly have bad days it just isn’t right! lol
Consequently, I made a T-shirt to “commemorate” Valentine’s Day. They say simply “I don’t want a VD!” with “taking back February 14th” underneath.
The link is listed as my website.
C’mon people let’s take it back!!
February 14th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Great story! Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
I’m just going about my life and pretending I have no clue what day today is. I went to pick up my school transcripts, and was filing out a form and I asked the girl “What’s todays date?” (as I said it, I realized oh yes) And she looked at me like she could’ve killed me or something. I’m glad you went back and got your sandwich. I would’ve done the same thing, and what the old lady said was PRICELESS!
February 14th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Oh my…hope you had a wonderful time with yourself…I mean it. I used to do that a lot…and it makes me feel good!
February 14th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
I’m just now getting to the point where eating actual food sounds good again … and a turkey sandwich … hmm …
I’d be pretty much due north. Hope you have a good arm.
February 14th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
I’m not going to lie, when I go to Bread Co (aka Panera), I order turkey on sourdough with just mustard. =) Regardless of what you get, I think Panera cures anything.
February 14th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
oh, i would be so pissed. but, hey, at least she understood!
February 14th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Turkey sandwiches as a metaphor for men. Nice.
February 14th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
Sometimes it is better to be single, free, and unattached versus being in a bad relationship.
February 14th, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Great story! Felt like I was witnessing the whole thing. Isn’t it funny how just one person being nice can make all the difference in the world?
February 14th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
oh babe, that quote was perfect!
February 15th, 2008 at 12:23 am
The Panera woman helps your V-Day and the parking garage woman helped mine (she didn’t make me pay to use the garage even though I lost my ticket and just said “it’s on me, happy v-day”). It’s the unexpected little things that get me through today.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:02 am
I always get the chicken tomesto sandwich at Panera. Good always!
February 15th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
if i had seen this an hour ago, that cold flabby sandwich would have almost been appealing—i had to postpone lunch and my stomach was beginning to lower its standards. i’m glad you didn’t have to settle, though.
February 15th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Not good. The last thing anyone should do is mess with a Cranky-on-Valentine’s-Day-Lady’s food.
Sounds like it ended on a better note though.
February 15th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
This post was wonderfully inspiring! I wish I had read it yesterday (I’m so behind in my reading!)
February 16th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Oh, I love Panera. But how do they mix up a hot turkey bacon sandwich with a cold, mayo-filled one? That’s gross.
February 16th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
There is nothing worse than craving something and getting something else. Such a bummer.
February 17th, 2008 at 6:00 am
haha very funny - and lovely writing.
As for VD - I never “celebrate” it whether I am with anyone or not. Who wants some yucky twee thing produced on a set day. It’s nicer to get something unexpected on another day, when someone has thought of it for themselves. There’s absolutely no point to getting something for a loved one just because everyone else. How naff is that??
Hope you are feeling happier, sweet Rachel!
February 17th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
i love your work here. can i give you an award at my site?