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Aquainted with the aftermath
July 28, 2008
I started writing this post a while ago, uncertain of where I would end up going with it.
A lot has changed with this website over the past few years. I started out completely anonymous, and even then, there are certain things I wouldn’t touch, even though, in a way, I started writing primarily to get that stuff out there.
The internet is a scary place to put those things. People will grimace with their interpretations. They will presume. They will challenge the sincerity of what you write, comparing it to how they think you should have presented it. They will ask why you presented it at all. More importantly, they will immediately offer alternatives for how you could’ve better handled your situation, whether it be your actions or your emotions or choosing to share them. They have seen it all before, you know, and while they’re playing around with their magical crystal balls, will feel the need to warn you that your experiences will most likely unfold the exact same way theirs did, and their friend Cheryl’s did, and their mother’s hairdresser’s twin’s (who is now divorced) did, and it’s better if you just inject some of their DNA directly into your spinal cord now because by following your own formula you’re doing it wrong.
You may call them ulcers. Ulcers gorged with pus, aka internet superiority.
Although, even now, this has already gotten awkward. It has that tone, which is slowly making me sickish. Like, this morning? I was emptying out a purse I haven’t used for a while and found an old receipt, and although it’s just a sheet of paper, its contents immediately provoked the parts of my brain known as uneasy and ick.
It’s kind of like that.
I have a feeling this is going to be a long post. I hate when she writes long posts.
A while ago I did an entry listing things I don’t like to write about. It may have been my way of testing the waters. I’ve already broken a couple. This is where I transition.
During the later portion of high school, for the span of time during which Derrick and I were just friends, I got caught up with a boy who would go on to show severe signs of bipolar disorder. It affected our relationship, our mutual friendships, and the majority of people I struggled to keep out of the picture (my family, my school, Derrick).
Although it started during my junior year, the sequence crept into college, lunged full force, and even now, four years later, continues to touch upon many aspects of my life.
I will never broadcast unkind or harmful opinions of him or his actions, or attempt to speculate his perspective. From the time we met and until now, I continue to hold his family in the highest regard. For that reason, I also wouldn’t disclose his real name.
But there are stories, significant memories, that despite their intensity and, at times, adverse circumstances, I refuse to let go of. Because until my sophomore year of college, when he passed away, I cared for him very deeply. All moments, even those ones, were experiences, and as bizarre as it is, I’ll always find ways to preserve them. Especially now, with hundreds of thousands going through similar ordeals, there are benefits to realizing you’re not so completely alone and violently powerless.
So why hit Publish? To continue to do what I’ve been doing. To chronicle. To make it so 2008 is more than getting cable shut off and having bank trouble.
I’m still not sure where I’m going, or how much I will eventually decide to reveal. I’ve always admired those who are able to share sordid details about the less-sunny aspects of their lives, because in some ways, they’re just as important as, if not more substantial than, the cheery ones.
I guess in the meantime, you can try to find something else to take away from this. For example, acknowledging an ulcer only makes it worse. And don’t let others make you feel regretful or uncertain of your own memoirs.
Also, never, under any circumstances, consume $2 well vodka beverages.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:16 am
First, let me say that that was a very thoughtful and well written entry. I can tell it came from the heart…
Second, this is YOUR blog. You have the power of the publish button, it’s your life, it’s your memoir. That means that no matter what anybody says, you are right in all circumstances. If you want to talk about banking problems, awesome. Do it. There will always be readers (others and me) who will find it thoughtful and hilarious. If you decide to leave out details that you’d rather not discuss with your readership, that’s perfectly fine, we (your fans) won’t hold it against you…
In the vast cesspool that is the internet, this is YOUR space. YOU are #1, and there isn’t a damn thing anybody can do to change that..:-)
July 28th, 2008 at 8:39 am
You have no idea how much I respect the way you go about things here. It’s definitely apparent how much thought you put into everything.
Bipolar disorder is rough. I know how hard it is to handle (and I’m still working on learning how to handle it properly), and I’m slowly realizing how much it affects my friends and my family, too. I don’t talk about it because keeping it my own makes me keep it in perspective, but I know a lot of people need to get it out.
Whether you mention it again or not, I’ll be here reading.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Duly noted. I really enjoyed reading this post. Figuring out how much information to reveal is one topic that could be debated back and forth with no solid answer.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:02 am
$2 vodkas??? I’m moving back to Pittsburgh.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:02 am
Here, here!
What I notice primarily, which seperates though from many bloggers who put it all out there, is that you’re careful with the important things. While this obviously offers protection from blatancy, it also emphasizes the things that have had a big affect on your life.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of the issue…it’s a big deal to *you,* and rightfully so.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Today I told someone that I found some birthday presents for my mom at an antique place over the weekend. They told me to take pictures and blog about my finds. I instantly started laughing and said no, that’s not what I blog about.
But really, why do we choose to blog about certain things and not about others?
You hit the nail on the head. I’m proud of your way of hitting “publish” even if it’s just letting a little air out of a balloon rather than popping the thing and making everyone jump.
July 28th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
The dark stuff is important.
And Christ, stay the hell away from cheapass vodka or your liver will explode.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I completely agree with Robin G. “The dark stuff is important.” It’s great that you feel comfortable enough with yourself and your audience to lay it all on the line. It’s definitely something I aspire to do but still don’t have guts. Thanks for your honesty.
And $2 vodkas? Count me in!
July 28th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Where was that advice in college? Maybe I could remember what the hell “coagulate” means.
July 28th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Right on, Matt.
And everyone else for that matter.
If the world’s famous novelists held back on the darker aspects of their lives, we wouldnt have half the great literature we have now.
July 29th, 2008 at 8:34 am
I agree with Matt above. It’s your blog and you’ll write what you wish. Don’t you feel a sense of release when you write about the things you don’t necessarily want to write about?
July 29th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
wow, you always put a smile on my face when i read your posts, good bad or otherwise I will continue to read
keep searching your soul and blogging about the rest
July 29th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Rachel, you write with such clarity, honesty and heart in all of your posts, regardless of the subject matter — don’t ever let anyone tell you that it’s “wrong” or not really “you” because that’s just bullshit. Keep doing what you’re doing, even if you’re not sure why.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:35 am
I just came across your blog so this is the first post I’ve read, and you are a wonderful writer. I think there’s a matter of risk and reward here. The more deep, dark, personal stuff you share, the greater the risk of people being judgey or using it against you, but there’s also a greater reward that comes from you being able to vent it and clarify your own thoughts, and from other people reading it an inevitably being able to relate to it. Personally, I love reading blogs that give an uncensored look into peoples’ lives, though I’m often reluctant to take that risk in my own.
Anyway, glad I discovered your blog. I’ll be back!
July 31st, 2008 at 10:01 pm
I was just talking with my friend about this earlier today and she mentioned she had just read a blog post on it and directed me your way.
I’m pretty no-holds-barred when it comes to my blog. I talk about dating and alcohol in ways I probably shouldn’t for someone who is trying to be a media professional. At the same time, I know it’s definitely what has my readers coming back — that I’m true to myself and I say what I want.
My name’s also out there, so there’s that. My boss was telling me if I’m about to get serious, career-wise… say I want to do tech journalism, then I can’t have shit like what I have up on the internet for the world to see.
(BUT WHY NOT!?!!?!)
August 7th, 2008 at 2:09 am
Keep blogging! I enjoy your posts and you’re right, nobody can judge your memoirs, they’re yours.