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All your face are belong to me
July 1, 2008
I like video games. Really, I do. I used to love video games, but my obsession was laid to rest a few plots down from Sega Genesis.
Derrick received an Xbox 360 for his birthday last month, and after watching him play a few games which I would be uninterested in playing myself, rented something more on my level: the newest Harry Potter. I’ve been managing well so far, learning spells and cussing out Hermione under my breath, but getting into the game today, I was reminded of what turned me away from the newer systems for so long.
Wii has made it somewhat better, giving me a controller that feels like the handle of something and offering simple, explicit directions. Hit the ball.
O, K!
But now, with everything else, I am overwhelmed. I am in a simulated city, larger than my own in real life, with functioning people and doors and cars. And they tell me one thing. Find the white flowers.
Or, better yet, find the revolver and kill the hooker.
All right, fine. Do I need to go to a revolver store? Does it need to be a specific revolver? Where is the hooker? Is she in one of the eight strip clubs? Is she hiding? Is she dressed like a hooker? Will she show herself when I’m in close range, or do I have to approach every hussy on the street and hit X so as to grab them each by their necks? And in that case, what did the hooker do? Is there a princess trapped in the graffitied clock tower on 5th and Lexington, and the only way to move on to level two is to spill the blood of the prostitute keeping her there? Is the soul of the princess trapped inside the hooker?
And you won’t even give me a glowing box that I can headbutt for hints?
Years ago, when I happily frolicked through Mario world, I had it all under control. I had one place to go. To the right.
Now I have to memorize the landscape of a fictional metropolis so that when I’m asked to find the penny taped to the back of the driver’s seat of a broken-down school bus I know that I have to use the subway for 12 blocks so that I can access the junkyard on the other side of the river.
I think I’ll stick with Tetris.
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Housekeeping bit: I’ve tweaked the layout of the Photo page, allowing for larger pictures, and simultaneously causing all of the previous ones to seem very small. Such is progress.
Categories: Daily
July 1st, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Great post. But I like GTA. My problem is I don’t get to play it for months at a time and forget where everything is.
July 1st, 2008 at 8:43 pm
You are so right. :-P Mario was a world in which to frolic.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:16 pm
check out Mario Galaxy…I literally shitted a brick…it’s a 3D world that involves you running all around a planet, I was FREAKED out!
Love the title by the way….
July 1st, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Ah yes, to the right… those were the days. :)
I love Yoshi’s Island best for SNES. I still play it.
Also, the title of this post made me “lol”
July 1st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Abby - SNES was, and still is, by far my favorite system. I could play Super Mario World from beginning to end, over and over.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:07 pm
My husband loves video games. He got the 360 a while ago and I tried to play Call of Duty. I never got passed the first hill–I was confused, couldn’t aim for anything, and the whole thing made me motion sickness. I then pull out his old Nintendo and play Dr. Mario.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:45 am
This is why Mario and Contra will forever be my favorite games. Yeah, the graphics today are way better - but the actual games aren’t nearly as fun.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:19 am
I’d take Super Mario over any of these new games any day.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:13 am
I’ll never enjoy a first person shooter game. The graphics are annoyingly sketchy, and the humans all sit at the edge of the uncanny valley. Don’t want.
But I love Mario Galaxy. So. Much. Fun.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
Tetris for the win! Also, Duck Hunt!!
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:42 am
This weekend a 16 boy explained to me that “Wii is for old people.”
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
I’m with everyone else on Super Mario Galaxy. It’s ridiculously fun. I’m on a level where Mario rolls around on a ball through the planets.
I sometimes forget when I’m playing that I’m a grown-up with a well-paying job and a house.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Yeeaaah…I’ll stick with Wii Sports :P
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I had quite a gap in between game systems, from Super Nintendo to Wii. Apparently, I feel some loyalty to Nintendo. I’ve had the thing for about a month and now have tennis elbow. Its good stuff.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHICH NEIGHBORHOOD THE HOOKERS ARE IN. It’s driving me crazy. I can’t tell you how long I’ve been driving around Liberty City for the last month.
Also, I will never tire of Mario Bros. 2.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Is the soul of the princess trapped inside the hooker?
You just blew my mind.
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:38 pm
i totally agree with preferring old school games…bring on the donkey kong!
however, have you seen the ADs for the new grand theft auto?? they play like a movie trailer! i sort of love it…
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
That was the most amazing rundown of Grand Theft Auto I have ever heard.
Although, I must say I was always a bigger fan of SNES as well.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:01 pm
If it makes you feel better, I have never had a video game console in my life and thus fail epicly at all video games. Seriously, all I can do is beat a six-year-old at Mario Party 8. And I didn’t even win first; I placed third against the computer.
Although I am good at Wii Tennis, but that’s because I can actually play tennis.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:02 am
At least you have the Mario world down! I just downloaded the original Super Mario for the Wii and haven’t made it past the third level in over a week. It’s my nemesis!
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:23 am
I couldn’t agree more! Perhaps I could challenge you to a rousing game of Dr. Mario one day?
July 10th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
I am smiling reading this post, i didn’t think many people so much younger than me enjoyed Mario as much as I do! I’ve posted about my Wii/Mario obsessions a couple of times. First it was Super Mario Galaxy, and then it was MarioKart. Next will be Paper Mario.