Introducing the Robot Masters: Magnet Man
rief introduction: Magnet Man is a robot, with man like qualities (digits, toes, beard(?), eyes, muscles, dick(?)) except he also has magnet attributes (polarity, magnetism, north pole, south pole, redness, dick(?)) Let us peak in on his living quarters.
Magnet Man woke as the sun peeked through the blinds as he always did. His wife lay next to him wrapped in insulation. It was winter and they did not have the money for any sort of heating system. Magnet Man had to be at work to plot with Dr.Wily about the usual antics of defeating Mega Man. Magnet creeped through his home careful not to wake his dog. He could not afford the luxuries his neighbors could because of his magnetic personality. A TV was about the extent of it, but he had to sit on the other side of the room to view it. He owned plastic everything else. He could not even love his wife properly. Every morning was a wake up call to defeat and poor design.
He sipped at his coffee and rustled through the daily paper. He spotted an insert of Dr.Light, his co-creator. “Damn you Dr.Light. Why did you make me so magnetic. All I want is kids and…” Tears began to form then his wife walked in. “Um hey Linda. I gotta run. Late as usual.” Linda’s metal feet clanged after him as Magnet Man slipped through the door but it was too late.
Magnet Man walked through the neighborhood clutching his insulation jacket close. Seeing all the other robot families walking their robot kids to school made his heart hurt. He spent every morning resenting his polarity and vowed revenge on Dr.Light and his Mega Man Minion. His rage sifted through him and out of his hand shot a deadly magnet that ricochet off the sidewalk and knocked over a lamp pole. Magnet Man ran off enraged at the bill he would be receiving in the mail. He cursed revenge on Dr.Light every money order he wrote out to the government.
Political Ads
Sorry It’s been a while since I’ve posted, I’m sure you’ve all missed me. The site has been very light hearted up to this point, it’s mostly been a blog version of conversations you might see on Seinfeld, but I’m going to go ahead and dive into something with substance. I think somewhere along the line Dan and I mentioned that we were getting into (or at least hoping to get into) journalism and politics respectively. As long as I still have your attention; you are about to bear witness to my first foray into publicly writing about politics, take a deep breath and hold your nose.
With the Presidential election starting to heat up, it’s probably safe to assume that many of you have become inundated with political ads. As usual, both sides are using any trick they have to paint their own candidate in as positive a light as possible while simultaneously attempting to make the other guy look bad.
That’s fine, it’s kind of the point of advertising in general.
I’m gonna go ahead and get this out of the way so that there is no confusion, although I’m sure I’ll have about half of my audience click the back button once they are done reading the next sentence. I consider myself to be a moderate conservative and a strong supporter of John McCain. If you don’t agree with me, please, for once, read what I have to say anyway; I’m sick of people only reading what they already agree with.
Anyway, back to the purpose of this post. Today I saw a new Obama ad which implies that because McCain has registered lobbyists on his payroll, lobbyists will run his administration. This infuriates me. Obama has created a ’strawman’ of lobbyists which he uses to depict himself as the vanquisher of the lobbying plague which has supposedly descended upon the country. Lobbyists are not evil people. If you believe they are you are weak minded; plain and simple. You may not agree with the specific interests that certain lobbyists lobby for, but that doesn’t mean that 1) they are wrong or 2) that they are bad people.
Simply put, a lobbyist is someone who is paid to convince legislators that their side of an issue is the right one. Disney employs several firms, does that mean that those lobbyists are bad people? How about the environmental lobby? The Teacher’s Union lobby? Ohhhh, so only the lobbying groups that you don’t agree with are evil. I see. Every industry you could possibly imagine has lobbyists attached to it, they would be stupid not to. It would be like a toy company without an ad department. The only difference here is that the target audience is not the American public, but rather the American government.
If you can’t see things my way and still feel that lobbyists are inherently evil, that’s fine. If that is the case though, I don’t want to hear anyone make any excuses for the bomb shell I’m about to drop on you here.
Barack Obama currently employs and takes money from registered lobbyists and their clients.
According to opensecrets.org Lawyers and Lobbyists make up a total of $24 million in campaign contributions to Sen. Obama. Compare that to the $9 million Sen. McCain raised from the same sector. Who is supposedly in the pocket of lobbyists now? What’s more, although Sen. Obama’s attack ad against Sen. McCain chastises him for employing lobbyists as advisers, Obama goes ahead and employs several of his own. According to an article at thehill.com the lobbyists on Obama’s payroll lobbied for Wal-Mart, British Petroleum (BP), and Lockheed Martin (a military contractor), just to name a few.
Senator Obama has done what he does best, spin the truth and convince people too lazy to do their homework that he is a messiah. I promise you this; Barack Obama is just as sly as any other politician, what makes him the most dangerous one however, is that people actually believe him.
Don’t buy the hype.
Introducing The Robot Masters
I’m sure we’ve all heard, and been entertained by, the Blue Bomber himself. Now, Good ol’ Megaman (Rockman if you’re a Japanese resident) is finally making a triumphant return to the days of pixels and platforms with Megaman 9. I for one have grown along side this young robot boy as he has grown and matured through the ages. When I was young and unable to read I found the Megaman games accessible since I didn’t have to read anything, just shoot things. And since shooting,like math/music, is a universal language I adapted quickly.
Megaman was always the main focus of the games with the evil robots waiting patiently at the end of the road. Can you imagine waiting patiently while a little blue robot makes his way from one end of your infuriating complex to another only to penetrate your robot exoskeleton with bullets? Neither can I, so I imagine that these robot masters did something to pass the time. Since I practically majored in speculation, I am going to do just that with hopes that one day Capcom releases a tell all tale.
Let’s start with the most obvious, Top Man. He is more Top than Man so you can imagine what his magnificent power is. Spinning. He throws toy tops at you then spins in place. He’s more annoying than threatening. His original purpose? A dance robot. Thanks Dr.Wily. You sure know how to devise the most efficient robots for taking over the globe.
Top Man taps his foot with a lack of patience. “Listen robots. You’re not stepping in time and if we don’t get this production right this year our funding is going to get cut. You want more of that money to go to Hard Man and his pie eating habit?” The robots, made mostly of coils and springs, bumbled around to get back in starting position. “Look, it’s like this.” Top Man started spinning in place.
“But, Mr.Top Man. We were made to bounce up and down. Not spin.” Top Man looked sharply in the outspoken robot’s direction and launched a top at him. It spun wildly towards the robot and then collided with him and fell to the ground. The robot was unscathed. “Um, yeah how do you expect to beat that Mega Man dude with those tops? You know he’s been like slaughtering all the other robots?”
“Fighting is an art. You don’t understand the beauty we are going to make when he jumps through that gate and I start spinning and reflecting his bullets in perfect harmony. He will then change to his hard knuckle power, which he ripped from my good friend Hard Man, and he will decimate me. And I will spin into him. And a painter will want to paint us.” The robot troupe looked at Top Man with a bit of respect and some amazement.
“You will perish faster than a marshmallow by a campfire.”
Top Man put his hand on the robot. “I know. Let us rehearse one last time.”
Dream Land
So I’ve been having some weird ass dreams lately. I gotta get this out of my system or else I’m doomed to repeat the dreams I have tried so hard to bury. What helps this matter is that I’ve been drinking like crazy so all of those hopes and dreams will be revealed non-stop in the following words.
The first dream I had was that I was ultra drunk. Like so drunk that I had no idea what was going on and so I came home to where my grandma lives and my instincts were to call all of my friends. Collect. It was insane because I ran up all of my friend’s bill so much and my grandma was really mad at me for being such a wuss. What does my grandma know anyways?
The next dream I had was that my sister, Kerry, had a gun and went into a candy shop. Pat and I stood looking outside the candy shop wandering what in heaven she was going to do with a gun inside the shop. So what did she do? She broke the glass with her gun then pointed the gun at me. I was worried but soon she poiinted the gun at Pat then SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST. I was really surprised but then she put the gun in her mouth and killed herself. Can you imagine waking up to that dream where two of your favorite people are DEAD. It’s weird.
Quit dreaming kids. Not worth it.
Let’s go to the Crazy Bank!
How are crazies getting all of the money?
As a pizza delivery boy I meet a variety of people on a daily basis. I touch their dogs, waves at the kids and converse with them about their garden or bicycle collection. It’s a great time for all. I get a little extra something something (usually a dollar or two) and they get piping hot pizza. What does “piping hot” even come from? We all need to stop using that.
Occasionaly, I get to someone’s house that I know is going to be trouble. There will be a tree out front that looks all sad and depressed but the thing is alive and it knows what’s going on. There will be some sort of ramp into their house in lieu of stairs. And probably some sort of tricycle with a big clown horn on it. You know, the crazy stuff. I’ll knock on their door and wait. Then knock. The ram my finger into the door bell but heaven forbid that works here in bizzaro land. Then I’ll knock and knock all in vain. So I’ll call them to see if they’re in there. No answer. But I can hear the TV on so something has to be going on.
Finally, the crazies will come to the door in some weird polka dot outfit (I’m not generalizing about polka dots) and tell me they were vacuuming then pay me in rolls of quarters. I blink, bow like I’m Asian, then turn around and just leave. They know I’m coming so why would they vacuum their basement using the loudest vacuum cleaner known to man? It doesn’t add up!
Then there are the crazy people who want their pizza UNSLICED. Like. What. “Oh hey ma’m. Yes we can put onions on your pizza. But you don’t want it cut? The onions? Oh, you don’t want the pizza cut? Like, you’re going to what, fold it in half and make a big pizza sandwich out of it? You know that is called a stromboli. Oh you’re crazy? Ya we’ll send Dan out to you.” What would you do with a giant uncut pizza? Do they not trust us to cut it evenly? It’s madness!
It also drives me crazy that all of these crazies have houses with columns and more windows than I have fingers. If money makes you crazy as well as empty your heart, I’m not so sure I want to be a millionaire anymore.
Project Projection
So I’m stuck in a roundabout right now. There are like eighty avenues of exit and they all look delectable. I’m thinking about turning my misadventures as a pizza delivery dude into a novel (or made for TV movie on lifetime?). Who wouldn’t want to read about how I delivery to a man who weighs in at over four hundred pounds and his five year old child(?) answers the door with his pants around his ankles and poop smeared all over his ass. Can you imagine how scarred I am from this delivery. The fact that I am driven only by my personal greed of money keeps me on the roads.
Also, I was thinking of beginning a podcast about Hobos. It would be like my Hobo Digest thing I write but instead I would just report news once a week for a half an hour. I could bring on other hobo guest and the best part is my budget doesn’t exceed a six pack of beer and a sandwich. Bam.
I may also begin to write about video games on here. I have avoided it for so long because when I go to write about games I get to the point where I start drooling like the mentally disabled and just start typing “LOVE LOVE LOVE GAMES STREET FIGHTER SHORYUKEN SOUNDS LIKE SURE YOU CAN”. Sorry if that’s what you’ve been coming here for and I have put it off for so long.
In other news, Pat died. Just kidding! He is in DC for good now. Thank God right?
So that’s really all that’s been going on. My nose is stuffy and I was bitten by a wasp four days ago and it is still swollen. Shortly after the wasp incident I was pooped on the head courtesy of a bird. Talk about nature sucking.
I’m going to bed and when I wake up I may begin one of them there projects. I may also go to podcamp too. I heard some Rachel girl is going and she keeps pestering me to go do a panel. What could I possibly talk about? Horses? Apples? Sugar licks?