Cheerleaders and their Hypnotic Demon powers
Recently, I attended a pretty cool Pitt Basketball game. The only downside to going to a live game is that there are “Media Timeouts” which take place every four minutes of game time. It’s kind of frustrating that the media has their hand in so many pockets just sucking the life out of things but that’s not today’s topic. During these time outs the crowd is treated to the cheerleaders doing what they do best; holding up colorful signs giving a crash course in cheering to, what must be, a nearly autistic crowd. They try their best to hold their attention but after the second stirring rendition of “P-I-T-T Let’s Go Pitt!” no one seems to be paying attention. To gain back the audience’s attention they flip high into the air and scream at us like we were a puppy who was running away with a pair of their prized underwear.
I feel bad for them. It’s not their fault the audience is not into screaming as much as they are. Perhaps we lack the cheer leader’s belief in free will and the idea that we can shape the future with our actions. After a game I picture the cheer leaders in their locker room (maybe showering and snapping towels at each other?) discussing what went wrong. “I knew we should have flung Katy up higher in the first half” “Our pom-poms are shiny enough. And can we cut our skirts shorter? No one is drooling over me like they use to. I fear they have become desensitized…” At this realiztion that they must continue to top their perfomances week after week that an over worked over stressed Melissa falls to the ground in tears. “Why won’t they just follow along with the signs. It’s one word. They aren’t doing anything else except maybe eating popcorn. I just want them to cheer with us. Don’t they want us to win?” Melissa would sob uncontrollably and then handed a warm cup of tea and carried out of the room. She was bad for morale.
Was there a time when sporting events were complete chaos? Anarchy must have run through the stands as people stood up at inappropriate parts of the wave, contributed random lyrics to cheers, and clapped without rhythm or real motives. Finally, one day a young lady stood up and said “Hey guys! Let’s go team! Let’s go team!” in a hypnotic fashion and soon people were following her like zombies. That, or the Pied Piper transferred his crazy magic music powers to the dress of a girl and whatever she did everyone had to follow.
Line Crossing
There are lines that I have in my life. When things cross them they’re in for a world of hurt. For instance, if someone tries to kick my shin. I got real sensitive shins. Also, when I am spat upon also crosses the “Don’t get Dan wet line”. They’re not that complicated but basic lines in my life that shouldn’t be crossed. Pat has recently crossed a cardinal line that I’m not sure I can ever forgive him for.
That line he crossed is one I like to call “Don’t buy shit off the television. It is never worth it and the buyer’s remorse will devour what little soul you have left.” He recently showed me an online receipt for something he likes to call the “Iron Gym.” Words can’t really explain it so enjoy this video:
He bought it when he was drunk. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse. Since he was drunk that means it had to have been in the back of his mind when he was sober just waiting to pounce. I am covered in shamed.
I’m not sure what this does for our friendship. I feel as though a giant meteor has come shooting from space and hit me square in the chest. Except I’m not dead but I’d rather be.
The (P)Irates
I’ve been living in Pittsburgh for pretty much the entirety of my life but I wouldn’t say I’m a sports connoisseur. I mean, I follow the teams but I couldn’t name every player three deep in the line up. Regardless, there is one thing I do know and that is that the Pirates consistently end their season with an embarrassing record. I can only imagine the Pirates hanging out with the Steelers and Penguins discussing their past seasons. All the teams have some crazy story to tell so to help organize things Malkin probably suggests using a talking stick (you can only talk if you have the stick). So as the teams passed around a worn hockey stick members of the Steelers would speak about their time winning the Super Bowl while the Penguins would talk about their exciting run at the Stanley Cup. And the Pirates? I suppose they would say something like, “Remember when Jason bay hit that grand slam and we then somehow managed to lose?” OR “Remember when we had a winning season?” The person who said that was probably inside a coffin. Because he would have to be so old. And on the verge of death.
To be fair, I’m not so sure people understand the tactics the Pirates employ during their games. They’re a fragile bunch with shattered dreams/hearts, etc. So I’m here to help clear up some of the Pirate confusion and maybe help bolster attendance at the same time.
First, when there are people on the bases that means there a lot of options of where to throw the ball. These options are nearly overwhelming. I mean who wants to have to pick between first, second and third base? Will the center fielder upset the second basemen by throwing it to first? It’s a possibility. So to remedy the situation? Clear the bases! As a leader, the pitcher is in charge of relieving stress on the field so he throws a couple of slow fast balls. Next thing we know there is a home run and a lot of weight off of everyone’s chest.
Second, some spectators may see people leaving during the middle of the game while the Pirates are down a few runs as an insult to their sacred team. Quite the contrary. How would you like it if hundreds of people came to your job to stare, clap and scream in your direction? You would be nervous, unsure of your next action, sweating (visibly), maybe stuttering a bit and your work would suffer for it. Hence the politeness of the spectators who leave the Pirates alone to work their magic.
Thirdly, so what if the Pirates lose a lot? Not every team can be a winner. If every team won then every team would be in the World Series which would be confusing and costly because then every team would need a parade in their home town. Suddenly the sanctity of the sport is gone. In this vein the Pirates are helping out everyone else and giving them a little boost. They’ve read books about winning and it doesn’t entice them. They’re just here to have a good time and throw a ball around and swing pieces of wood. This is also part of their PR Campaign that promotes losing as a hip cool thing that even adults do well.
So next time you’re at PNC Park ,enjoying the reward the Pirates received for being such good sports and hanging in their, keep in mind that he Pirate franchise is a little different than any other sporting franchise out there. And be careful of foul balls. Those things aim to kill.