Let’s go to the Crazy Bank!
How are crazies getting all of the money?
As a pizza delivery boy I meet a variety of people on a daily basis. I touch their dogs, waves at the kids and converse with them about their garden or bicycle collection. It’s a great time for all. I get a little extra something something (usually a dollar or two) and they get piping hot pizza. What does “piping hot” even come from? We all need to stop using that.
Occasionaly, I get to someone’s house that I know is going to be trouble. There will be a tree out front that looks all sad and depressed but the thing is alive and it knows what’s going on. There will be some sort of ramp into their house in lieu of stairs. And probably some sort of tricycle with a big clown horn on it. You know, the crazy stuff. I’ll knock on their door and wait. Then knock. The ram my finger into the door bell but heaven forbid that works here in bizzaro land. Then I’ll knock and knock all in vain. So I’ll call them to see if they’re in there. No answer. But I can hear the TV on so something has to be going on.
Finally, the crazies will come to the door in some weird polka dot outfit (I’m not generalizing about polka dots) and tell me they were vacuuming then pay me in rolls of quarters. I blink, bow like I’m Asian, then turn around and just leave. They know I’m coming so why would they vacuum their basement using the loudest vacuum cleaner known to man? It doesn’t add up!
Then there are the crazy people who want their pizza UNSLICED. Like. What. “Oh hey ma’m. Yes we can put onions on your pizza. But you don’t want it cut? The onions? Oh, you don’t want the pizza cut? Like, you’re going to what, fold it in half and make a big pizza sandwich out of it? You know that is called a stromboli. Oh you’re crazy? Ya we’ll send Dan out to you.” What would you do with a giant uncut pizza? Do they not trust us to cut it evenly? It’s madness!
It also drives me crazy that all of these crazies have houses with columns and more windows than I have fingers. If money makes you crazy as well as empty your heart, I’m not so sure I want to be a millionaire anymore.
What did the Elevator say to the Stairs?
So I was just peeing, you know, into a toilet, when I started to think about the relationship some stairs and elevators have. I mean they spend most of their lives right next to one another and we all know everything talks when humans are not around to listen with their ears so they have to be talking about something. But what…
Elevator: These two kids last night, kind of drunk, got inside me last night, slammed on the emergency stop, and just started doing it inside of me. It was like people were fornicating in my brain!
Stairs: There’s no way that happened. I saw those two kids stumble in and I bet they just threw up inside of you. How weird is it to have your insides covered with someone else’s insides?
E: Dude that’s so sick. They were totally making out and stuff I swear! She was like “Oh Kevin.” and I guess Kevin was all like slurring but he said “Ya Baby” and it was so on.
S: Why do you insist on lying to me? Isn’t it bad enough your so much more advanced than I and everyone loves your convenience. I’m looked as as a punishment that people would only use me if I was one of two options and the other option was a fiery death.
E: Ah don’t say that. Some people use you. There’s like that obese man who walks up a couple of stairs, then back down to use me. At least he’s trying to make you happy. You’re probably the only set of stairs that can support him!
S: Eh…I’m not sure…
E: Then there was that time I was out on vacation and everyone used you instead! You were the talk of the town. When I came back I was worried everyone was going to be so fit they would never need me again.
S: Ya that was a great week. I even got mopped that week! Man you should go on vacation more often.
E: I would love to but the new union I’m in only gives me a vacation every three years, or if I severely hurt myself. You know, pull a cable, blow a fuse.
S: That would be dreadful…
E: Then I’d have to get all sorts of screwdrivers put into me, and my cables would be changed. Talk about a tricky operation. I have two uncles who died in the middle of cable changes. It’s too risky.
S: Well I’m going to pray extra hard for you tonight. Oh snap, here comes some chicks in high heels. Shut. Up.
Those chicks in high heels always ruin everything.