I’m Like Hungover
But I had nothing to drink. I mean, I had four bottles of water yesterday but I feel absolutely HORRIBLE as I type. So horrible that I’m posing two updates in one day. What the fuck is going on.
I did take some sleeping pills. You can follow my rise and fall on twitter (www.twitter.com/woozle). I suspect that those are reason for my sloppiness this morning. Not only am I irritable but there is, what feels like, a handful of fog floating around in my brain. It’s maddening but what should I have expected from a pair of pills that is made to bring you temporary death. They are designed to shut the body down, like brakes on a freight train so of course there is going to be some back lash.
I got eight hours of sleep but what the hell. I was hoping to get addicted to these despite the box’s warning of “non-habit forming”. You can’t tell me what I can and cannot get addicted to, but with this hangover feeling every day I’m not sure I could handle it. Perhaps if I take more I’ll feel better…
Also: I was told to post these videos. LOVE THEM.
Speaking of Holograms
Technology has come a long way from the typewriter. As I speak I’m writing on a computer. It’s crazy, I know. How can a man, such as myself, afford a computer in this day and age? Investing in Cambell’s Soup is what.
Anyways, besides holograms a new innovation I’ve been growing accustom to has been Coffee Cake. It’s new at Caribou Coffee and it’s about time. It’s the perfect combination of cake, and cinnamon, and crumbs. This thing must be held together by glue because basically it’s just a load of crumbs crushed into cube. Impossible to eat this thing without embarrassing yourself. It takes a human of high charisma, charm, good looks, as well as confidence to devour the whole cake and still retain their dignitity.
I just took a bite now. My co-workers starred at me in awe - they’re god damn amazed. Thanks Coffee Cake. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Want to start a blog together? We could call it SureBoutCoffeeCake. I’ll check godaddy for that domain name.
America’s Downfall
Readers, as all of you should be aware, a terrible thing has happened on this historic night. An event that will most certainly change the United States, if not the world, as we know it forever. It is very unfortunate that this chain of events should occur, but it has, and now we all must prepare for what is most certainly a bleak, dark, future. I am talking of course, about holograms.
The first ever hologram was transmitted tonight into the CNN Situation room, and it created quite a situation…in the room. The great Wolf Blitzer was obviously taken by surprise, but was able to pacify this phantom menace for the time being. It is obvious that The Empire has returned, and with it, the terrible technolgy that they have developed. I’m sure it is only a matter of time before the Death Star is operational and the Earth itself is faced with complete annihilation. My prayers go out to the brave X-wing pilots that will be faced with defeating this overpowering force in the months to come. God speed my friends, god speed.
Well, I Forgot
I had something to talk about. But I forgot.
If anyone lives in the South Side of Pittsburgh I’d suggest going down the Big Dog. It’s a coffee place on Sarah street and it’s been open for two weeks. I was there today getting the scoop as well as interviewing the owner, Nikola. I’m not sure if that’s how you spell it but he’s from Bolgaria.
I love these small businesses and I feel so much better spending all my money their instead of a place I know is going to invest their money in tire fires or something. So go and drink coffee. It’s pretty awesome and it’s a neat place with a kind of history. You can all read it when I write my article on that guy.
Fallout
Do you think you could survive a nuclear fallout? Let’s say hypothetically you did have a shelter and that when the bomb fell not EVERYTHING was destroyed, but a decent amount of shit. Like, you wouldn’t want a friend you met on the Internet to visit you afterwards because you’d be so ashamed. “This isn’t like the pictures you sent me” they would say with a scowl. And in what was suppose to be the finest moment of your life vanishes like a banana thrown into the deepest and darkest cave full of monkeys.
But walking around your old town kicking around trash, moving around debris, trading fancy rocks for supplies? How amazing does that sound. Just grab like a roll of toilet paper from your vault, wander out into the fallout and use your amazing wit and charm to convince people that toilet paper is actually “future money” and is worth it’s weight in nuclear gold or whatever.
If that doesn’t convince you maybe this will:
Quit Mouthing Me Words
Hey lady who walks those neighbor hood roads in the dusk of a fall evening. I see you there with your reflective stripes covered your buddy as though you were some sort of mummy who was on their way to an Egyptian rave. You walk these streets and say, “Hello!” to everyone, even to the man who lets his dog poop in your lawn. You sure can turn the other cheek. But you do so because of the empowerment you feel when you’re out protecting this land of yours. You walk with purpose, each stride covering familiar pavement, making sure all is right with your neighbors.
So when I drive through the neighborhood, pizzas in the passenger seat, going the speed limit, you do not need to mouth words to me as though I am deaf. But I do hope you know that your pleas do fall on deaf ears. When you turn your head, furrow your brow, raise one of your hands, which is clutching a weight (you’re triceps must look amazing), and shout to me what I think is, “Slow Down” I am not going to slow down. Words shooting out of your mouth have no actual impact, no matter how well you shape your mouth into a cannon. My car is not programmed (that I know of) to have a soul and, therefore, does not care that is is going five miles per hour over the speed limit in a sleepy dark residential area.
So please, give your gabby mouth a break for once and quit screaming at me. Perhaps if you learn to settle down, Hector will stop pooping on your land. Hector the accountant neighbor of yours, not his dog.
Define “Trash”
You can find trash anywhere now a days. Sometimes it’s in garbage cans OR even better recycling bins. Sometimes trash is in trailer parks and has a weird type of haircuit stuck to it. As well as a cold Coors light. Side note, isn’t it awesome you can tell a Coors Light is cold because it glows blue? Whoever drinks that deserves to swallow the color changing chemical that lines those cans. Anyways, trash is everywhere. Or is it?
Sometimes trash is treasure. Back to that recycling bin - I mean those bottles are going to be something. A crib, a case for a guitar, a Tupperware container, another recycling bin, a playground, or even a field goal post (let the bottles dream!). Even that couch you put on the curb is helpful to somewhere. Never mind that the couch is no longer filled with softness but lice and bed bugs instead. For a couple of days some very frugal family is going to lay the hell out of that thing.
Sometimes trash is confusing. I was once yelled at for putting a half eaten apple in a man’s yard. To be honest, it was the fringe of his yard and it was just dirt. And to be even more honest, he must not have been much of a man if he was yelling at a poor college junior about apples instead of being the bread winner his family needed. I was just returning the apple from where it came. When I eat bananas (often) I never know what to do with the peel. Sometimes I want to throw it in the ground. It is organic and I reason that a bird will make a nice nest or costume out of it. Other times I’m worried one of my human companions will slip on it.
Can’t we just begin to label things “TRASH” and others “TREASURES”. Immediately, I see a problem here. That problem is that some very optimistic person is going to label everything “TREASURE” and people will never throw things away. I suppose we could have a committee. Any takers?
Blogging a Blog Talk at PGH Pod Camp 3
What?
Anyways, currently at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh watching the successful bloggers take their stage. Looks to be about eight of them. They claim to be “succesful” but I’ll be the judge of that.
I am being thanked for being here by some lad wearing a blue shirt underneath an opened button down. Have some class man. “Justin” from Something to be Desired. I desire him to get his shirt fiasco under control. He is bragging of his longevity in the medium. Six years doing an online show. Tell that to Seinfield, bucko.
What is success? Defined by goals, so I’m told. My goal- to alienate all of my readers. Check?
Here come the tidal waves of introductions. Let’s break em down.
“Rich Westerfield”(Might be wrong. I’m a terrible listener) - owns coffee and a shop that sells coffee. Coincidence? Been blogging since late 2004.
“Lunchbox w/ DJ Sorg” - Podcast owners of Wrestling Mayhem. Has 138 shows
“Father Spoon” and “Sick Puppy” - of “Should I Drink That“? Hey, quit drinking weird things. You’ll hurt yourself, eventually. They review beers from EVERYWHERE. 3k d/ls a show. Started in 2006 (May)
“Rachel Butera” - ThatNight.net. She has been blogging for six years and host us. 10k hits a month. Ya, get a life. She is also a girl, fancy that.
“DJ T and DJ G” - Don’t use real names. Mysterious and talk about music. Mysterious music. Oh and they’re gay. But not the Gay as in “Kings and Queen of Cher fan club” but the edgy opposite Gay.
“Chris” - Having problems with Technorati. Yikes. 85th most popular on the Internet, according to the broken Technorati (coincidence?). You know who doesn’t care about that? My grandma.
Rich has a small shop in Mount Lebanon that has its business bolstered thanks to amazing blog. No need for a website when you got a blog! Just blogs about the local area and Panini bread.
Rachel is talking about her comments went down when she became “famous” (bloggies, duh). Has she alienated writers now? After media whirlwind has settled down she received more comments from her usual, apparently shy, community. John and G don’t get comments BUT they get direct e-mail. Readers are comfortable just writing e-mail since their podcast is so personable.
John and G talk of their search to find gay artist to appear on their podcast. Has since changed and artist request to be on their show. You guys need an agent? I need a job.
Lunchbox talks about getting real live celebrities on their show. Something I can never imagine but I guess even famous people need places to talk to. They’ve had American Gladiators? What am I doing wrong. Oh right, not having a podcast. About wrestling.
Should I Drink This Dudes say numbers don’t mean shit there. When they get free beer, thats success. I think that’s true in any venue. Have been invited to brewery tours, contacted by brewers to talk about beer.
The one thing that ties it all together? These guys have been in the biz for YEARS. Ya that’s an “s” at the end meaning more than one cycle around the sun.
Chris Rogen has the power of mind control? When he tweets the world tweets back. He can’t read either. Is this an intervention? Now he is complaining about his poor sight. Is he a robot with fading power? It might make sense seeing how he just claimed he wanted to raise an army. “Army of bloggers and success”. He has a Dad Blog and that is something large and new for the Internet. That is also successful. Does Chris have the Midas touch? Probs.
Justin is talking about how numbers lie. Like dogs. Grumpy tired dogs. His views on YouTube seems to just click and not attach themselves to their show. No one actually participates or gets involved. The impact is not felt, but it is encouraging. Key is hooking people. Like FISH. Carpe Diem.
I’d say these are some of the most successful bloggers I’ve set eyes upon. Bottom line? Do what you do because you enjoy it. Set goals. Make friends. Don’t do it to gain fame, get money, or awards. That is all a side effect of being awesome.
Cheez Hair
I got my haircut. No big woop. There comes a time in every boy’s life where the curly brown locks must be lopped off in hopes that he will no longer be mistaken for a bum/garbage man. So I went to a nearby barber shop, sat down and let the wonderful mid-life crisis bound lady do her thang.
I sat in the chair an awkward amount of time, and you know why? Because in between every chop of hair she would reach her entire arm into a box of Cheez-Its and stuff her face. If you have ever put your hand in a box of anything before you will know that crumbs will cling to you as though you are their second coming that will bring them to a better world. Except, in this instance the better world would be my head. Let me now apologize to all the Cheez-Its that made the pilgrimage only to find a desolate dry land that was quickly diminishing. I wish you the best of luck.
But what is this lady doing getting crumbs on my head? I put my head in her care and she uses it as though it was a picnic blanket. I would be pretty mad and demand she covers me in the barbercide juice all of her tools soak in except it was one of the best cuts I’ve had. It was an odd experience and she had no qualms about it and unless she said something I certainly was not going to say anything. It’s awkward enough getting a haircut, I can only imagine how weird it would get if I confronted on her eating off my head.
Origins of Things
Dan -you know what I need to recommend to you
Pat- cyanide?
Dan -cyanide soaked Honey Nut ChEErio’s
Pat -yeeeh?
Dan -There’s not much that isn’t peeeerfect of this cereal. Let me count the ways:
1- lowers cholesterol
2 - circular
3 - delicious
4 - bees
Pat -bees?
“you know what would be perfect right about now?” “what dear?” “bees”
“don’t get me wrong sweety. By bees I meant their by-product. Bee Shit”
“ahhh, of course”
Dan - then they would get into a large discussion about how honey does not come out of bees. A popular misconception
Pat -a very popular misconception, a misconception so popular it’s at the top of the charts for the 3rd week in a row
Dan - Followed closely behind the lore of Santa which started when thieves would crawl down chimneys and steal children, kill them, then package them back up to their family as a gifts.
Pat - wait…. you’re saying that a common misconception about thieves is that they are some strange form of murderous Santa? I’m not gonna lie to you Dan, that’s the first I’ve heard of that misconception. I would go so far as to say that that is a very uncommon misconception
Dan -I think the misconception , my friend, is that Santa is a holly jolly gentlemen. When in fact “he” began as a thief of children and bringer of tears. You have been fooled all along to praise saint nick. How does it feel to sin?
Pat - sweet
Dan -Sweet as an ice cream cone on a hot day with an obedient Labrador by your side and a rocking chair that belonged to your great great grand mother
Pat - yes, that is verbatim, exactly how I would describe it.
Dan - I read that in your livejournal
Pat - of course, livejournal, you’ve betrayed my secrets yet again.