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It’s everything, how time gets away
June 9, 2008
I’ve never made a solid decision as to how far I would go with this website, how much I would eventually disclose. There were several things I avoided sharing, especially this one thing in particular, which is why this post is, for me, both a challenge and a leap.
This summer, I will have been in an on-again, off-again relationship with the same person for over seven years. And although I’ve been floating around the internet for about that long, I’ve not offered an explanation, or made more than a fleeting mention, of him once.
I’m not sure why. It wasn’t that we weren’t ever serious. We lived together, we shared vacations, we could call each other’s mothers. And even when we weren’t together, and were with other people, it often felt staged, as if I was experiencing things that were necessary for me to graduate. Somehow, I picked up the idea that blogging would take away the realness of it, that we would become just another couple with their picture posted on Facebook, that it would change this website from the life of Rachel to the life of Rachel and also she has a boyfriend. But the farther I get away from age fourteen, the more important it’s becoming to recognize him, as his affect on me since then has been substantial. That was the age that we met, in all of our inelegant, grimy, pubescent glory.
At the time, my hair was not unlike hay, in both texture and color. When I finally got my highlights (somewhat) under control, it was 9th grade. He didn’t talk to me much, and even after I asked him via AIM to our freshman semi-formal, would not go as far as to ask me to be his girlfriend (which, at the time, only meant I’d be able to tell all of my friends I had a boyfriend, but he still wouldn’t need to talk to me or see me outside of homeroom). After weeks of my awkwardly incessant flirting, he sent a boy from his lunch table to make the arrangements. He kissed me six months later.
We went to homecomings and formals. Our first run lasted two and a half years, and even though we were still in high school, we didn’t dwell on it like many of the couples, who detailed their drama over cafeteria chicken patties to any willing ears. I walked a mile or so to his house almost daily, resulting in his family, as it still is, becoming a very solid constant in my life.
College came and went even faster than I remember high school lasting. We moved in together. We moved out again. We hit our patches, and for a while, several times, I was knocked out by them.
Of course, the story is much bigger than this entry, but for me, this is a start. I don’t expect anything to change from it, but I’ve finally become at least a little less reluctant. And it took seven years. I’m sparing the I love hims and forevers, as it isn’t something that needs to be, or is, explicit. To have these words do justice would be like explaining growing up, in one post, in its entirety. For now, this is what I have to offer. His name is Derrick.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
<3
So glad you finally posted this.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
WHY ARE YOU BLONDE??
June 9th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
You look so much happier in the more recent photos. I’m glad to see you smiling.
June 9th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Lovely.
June 9th, 2008 at 11:58 pm
It’s about time, lady.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I didn’t know you went to north hills
June 10th, 2008 at 12:17 am
it’s like watching you grow up…in 30 seconds and 5 pictures
June 10th, 2008 at 2:23 am
What an interesting reminder of how little we actually see of a person through the computer screen.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:17 am
On-again off-agains can be… er… less than good. Hope that’s not the case for you. Regardless, if we like the people we are, it’s important to recognize the people who got us there, one way or another. So hello Derrick, thank you for your influence being one of the factors that led to a very interesting person who writes a very interesting blog ;)
June 10th, 2008 at 7:26 am
hey you,… yes it’s me and you know who i am. question, does he treat you with respect; and well. do you take each other for granted or as a fall back position untill you each fall into something else? sometimes a ‘i love you’ is what each of you wants to hear. don’t be afraid of your true feelings for eachother.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:02 am
I think this was brave, talking about relationships on the internet can feel like you are jumping off a cliff, there’s no turning back now! I think what was even gutsier was the fact that you were willing to post old pics of yourself! You will notice an absence of any pics proving that I was ever younger then 23 ;)
June 10th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Really cool idea with the pictures over the time. Always interesting to see how people have changed over the years.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:31 am
that was really sweet. all relationships have their ups, downs, rough spots and fights. i’m not gonna lie, i’ve been with my bf for four years now and it feels like an eternity. our relationship is far from perfect, but god… there is no one i’d rather spend my days with.
it’s hard to talk about relationships so openly to perfect strangers… it’s something i never really thought twice about, but probably should have. oh well.
i look foreword to hearing more about him. :o)
June 10th, 2008 at 9:46 am
I enjoyed this entry. I’m glad you are feeling like you can be more open and I really liked seeing all the pictures and the transitions you made.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I didn’t even recognize blonde-you!
Sharing relationships with the iNet world is hard. You just have to post about the things you feel comfortable posting about. If your readers don’t like that you aren’t sharing that part of yourself who cares because it’s your story to tell not theirs. Personally, as of right now, I keep my relationships guarded. Maybe in seven years I’ll be making a post like this too ;)
June 10th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Nice to meet Derrick, and thanks for sharing. The last pic is the best - you truly look happy. Keep it up…
June 10th, 2008 at 10:06 am
About ten years ago I started webpages and “blogging” I went by an alias because my parents were paranoid, and I guess I was too. I finally met an online friend and started going by my real name.
Now I’m not so worried about sharing details, other than my mother-in-law reads and I don’t want to worry her or offend her if I spill out details that are private.
Kudos to you for putting yourself out there.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I think this is my favourite post to date. As you know, I’m a fan of writing about everything. Well, maybe not everything. But it’s the ones that make you feel uneasy that really hit the sweet spot in your writing. I enjoyed reading this. Write more.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:17 am
I love the transition from then to now, and those last three sentences are so perfect.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:40 am
There is nothing wrong with sharing something like this. In fact, it’s admirable. Keep it up…and don’t worry about the limitations. You’ll write about what you want to write about. :-)
June 10th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Oh man, sooo many memories were brought up by that hemp necklace. I used to make those.
Is that sad?
June 10th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Emma - WHY ARE YOU CRITICAL??
Robin G. - Not the case, and thank you.
mdp - I always look forward to your feedback. Yes, he does, and I know I’ve been guilty of taking things for granted. Thank you for your advice.
Chris - Yes.
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the assurance on this one.
June 10th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Why do/es I/we/anyone blog? I think, it is a desire to have your life chronicled somehow, somewhere. Who better to do it than yourself? People can come see how you’re doing, if they care (they do). You just like to share.
Why does one read blogs? I have always been a people watcher, which sounds creepy at first, but it really is just a need to observe what’s around you, in a non-creepy way, of course. Blog reading is people watching in a sense…feeling connected, concerned, curious. Writers reciprocate the connectedness by sharing to make things come full circle.
Kudos to you, lay it on out there.
June 10th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
You guys look great together!!! Really great.
June 10th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
This takes a lot of guts and I admire you for it. Its very honest and raw. And as many have said, I think you look best a brunette, but as one, I’m biased.
June 10th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Nice. Very very nice. This writing suits you very well.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
WHY? BECAUSE I LESS THAN THREE YOU.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:33 am
Beautiful wonderful post!
June 12th, 2008 at 8:27 am
Thanks for sharing more of yourself here!
June 12th, 2008 at 8:30 am
That was a fun post to read. I would have never thought to post pictures of how me and my boyfriend grew up together. You’re a great writer by the way; I love your style.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Beautiful post.
Hi, Derrick!
(Awesome pictures, by the way. Haha. Maybe someday I’ll find the nerve to publish pictures of us growing up.)
June 16th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
Your post is perfect the way it is. You two have shared a lot together; so much changes in seven years, and certainly at that stage of your lives. Thank you for sharing a little bit of it with us.
June 18th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
aww, I like this post too. As an anonymous blogger, my hat is off to you for sharing so much of yourself. I liked it alot.
June 19th, 2008 at 10:24 am
Thanks for the introduction. It’s scary (and often freeing) to share about personal things about our lives in the blog world.
June 21st, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Was it liberating? You two make a cute couple :)
July 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 am
Be careful Rachel. I fully believed in full disclosure, and I am actually considering stopping blogging all together because more and more, I have found that blogging hurts people. Especially boyfriends. No matter how careful you are.
I admire your bravery, I know it must have taken alot to write that post.