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Dearest daily newspaper consumers
December 17, 2007
I’m well aware of the person you think I am, as my general idea would have been similar if I had ever wondered how the newspaper got into my front yard every morning before I decided to become your delivery girl. But please, and especially for the elderly among us, let me clarify.
It is the year 2007, in the city of Pittsburgh, and not 1947 in the city of Stepford, and also not 1984 in your Game Boy. I do not carry a gaping shoulder bag with a few dozen rolled papers and leisurely toss them onto your stoop as I stroll down the street as the sun comes up. I have 324 deliveries to make. I do it by car. I have a time limit, so that when you wake up warm in your bed, you can stretch with confidence in the fact that your newspaper is in your front yard.
I am not a burly man. I cannot whip a newspaper with accuracy onto your doormat from an open car window 30 feet away. I am a 21 year old girl. I have a ponytail. I have small arms. It is 3:00 in the morning.
Speaking of which, have you ever even touched those newspapers I throw? They’re as big as your Labrador and weigh twice as much. Have you noticed that they’re no longer wrapped in gumbands (ahem, rubber bands)? They stopped that, what, 30 years ago? They would burst. BURST! And also? You live in Pittsburgh.
YOU LIVE IN PITTSBURGH. It is 20 degrees, and sleeting, at 4am, and both of my windows are down so that I can throw the damn things. Chances are you live on a hill. And the city ran out of salt.
Please stop sending me angry emails and asking my boss to yell at me. I cannot get out of my car 300 times in a row, in the dark, to lovingly place your 13 cent bundle of words on the top step. You live in the city. You won’t let your teenage children out past 8. I refuse to get tackled by a nighttime crazy so you don’t have to walk down three steps. Reminder: Female. Conclusion: Tears.
Pardon the strong text formatting,
Rachel
P.S. To the old woman who mailed me a Christmas card and left me thin mints: I will tie a bow around your news and dance to your front porch.
Categories: Daily, Jobs, Pittsburgh
December 17th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
How do the people you deliver to know who you are?
They should give you a paper-launcher or something. That would be pretty freakin’ sweet…
December 17th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
The don’t know who I am, unfortunately.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”
Ha. Sorry.
December 17th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I’ve always felt a bit sorry for those who are in your position, having to be up so early no matter the weather. Sure I worked night shift at UPS, but this seems worse.
Perhaps that’s partly why I don’t really see the need to pay for the newspaper. Don’t need to add another one to your route.
December 17th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
I thought about delivering papers about a year ago. For the most part, you make me glad I didn’t. (Sorry!) Except the thin mint lady :) Mmm!
Ooo, and I like the paper-launcher idea!
December 17th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I’ll give you a hug! People are so rude, and lazy!
December 17th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
We need more thin mint ladies in the world..
December 17th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
Wow, things are different. I was a paper carrier for about four years, in the suburb of Columbus where I grew up. We were expected to put the papers where the customers wanted them — and some of them wanted them in some pretty specific places, like the old cranks who insisted that their paper was rolled and banded and placed inside a plastic bag inside a small garbage can next to their garage door.
Best paperboy story: the guy who always seemed suspicious when I knocked on his door to collect. Once I noticed he had actually brought a revolver to the door, apparently thinking I was working for Vinnie the Weasel and not the Columbus Dispatch. At least he was nice enough to place the gun on a small telephone stand before he opened the door. And, wow, did he tip well.
I never had more than 60 customers on my route, which was a pretty easy thing to manage, especially using one of those gaping shoulder bags (actually, mine was one of the front-and-back ones) while riding my moped. Until a brake cable on the moped failed and I slid the moped through the closed garage door of one of my customers. The old cranks who wanted their paper in the trash can. Next to the garage door. Yeah.
I don’t think they tipped me that Christmas.
December 17th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
You should come work in my neighborhood — we all have paperboxes right next to our mailboxes and we’re way less scary.
[Also, I think most of us tip pretty well. I'm pretty sure my mom gives our paper guy twenty bucks for Christmas.]
December 17th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
Amen, sister.
That is the best thing I’ve read in a while. I just…Can I turn this into a monologue to use at auditions? Exquisite.
And I say all of this not to downplay your misfortune of self-involved, pompous newspaper consumers. You have my sympathy. If its 1950’s newsboys they’re after, let’s get them to also complain to the milk companies for not delivering glass bottles to their doorsteps every day as well.
December 17th, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I deliver news papers too, but without a car, i ride on my bike. Guess what? I would have to wake up at 4 in the morning to prepare and to get ready for my work. And then I start at 5, but no one seemed to understand my hard works. If I throw it in the wrong place, most of them will expect me to go in and then throw it in the right place, but they never realized that their doors aelre locked.. And my salary is only $20 per week and some one tell them that I am only 13?
December 18th, 2007 at 12:19 am
I love you. That was hilarious.
I really hate “the consumer”. Albeit I wouldn’t think you would have to deal with them much as a paper boy… girl… person. I’ve had sooo many ppl call my boss asking him to “take me down a peg” because I am young and don’t take life seriously or need a good ass chewing because I didn’t give them my full attention while there were 15 other people waiting in line asking me questions. Sometimes people can be so rude… remind them it’s the Holidays then tell them to go to hell. :)
December 18th, 2007 at 12:46 am
Damn. I hope you make a whole lot of money doing that.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:10 am
This will be a job you will tell your grandkids about.
December 18th, 2007 at 8:19 am
People can be such dicks. They don’t understand what it’s like actually having a JOB.
December 18th, 2007 at 8:32 am
Awwww poor you!
It’s so funny though to think of you lobbing the papers into their front gardens. It just doesnt’ happen here. People would be mortified to find stuff chucked into their gardens - everything has to be put through the letterbox - they get cross if just a bit is left poking out. It could indicate to burglars that they are away, you see!!!
But it always rains here so that is the main reason nothing gets left outside.
December 18th, 2007 at 8:44 am
I do not miss the days of paper delivery at all. It has changed a lot, though. Back in my day (gawd I feel old right now), I had to put the papers in people’s doors or on their stoop. My favorite part, however, was the fact that I had to actually collect everyone’s money every month. The joys of being 12 and going from door to door asking strangers for money cannot be expressed in words. It’s a wonder I survived.
You deserve a raise.
December 18th, 2007 at 9:47 am
Ohh. Good on you, thin mint lady, good on you. And Rachel, I’m so sorry people are jerks. They shouldn’t be, and you are at absolutely no fault. If anything, they should be thankful they don’t have to go buy their own newspaper every morning.
December 18th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Three words. Avoid dog poo. I’m thinking if you follow that sage advice nobody should ever have anything to complain about. Like, how many times have you landed their bundle of words in their labrador’s droppings? I’m thinking you’re doing a grand job myself. You can deliver my paper anytime. Although you probably won’t want to drive an hour out of the city to do it. That would throw you way off your time schedule.
December 18th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
LOL, man, I’d be pretty pissed too. 3am??? I’m usually crawling into bed at that time. Newspaper delivery people are SO underappreciated.
December 18th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
What a bunch of wankers. I’d get a big, strong guy to come with me and throw their papers through their windows.
December 18th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
I have the NY Times delivered everyday to my house. If you are delivering my paper… leave it on the tree lawn. Also I have no idea who is delivering my paper. Once I received a card from the paper person so I would have the opportunity to tip. I would suggest that.
When I was growing up I used to help my friend with his paper route all the time. We would leave papers inside door or inside mailboxes, just like Uncle Crappy describes above.
December 18th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Oh, sorry to hear that…but then you are vindicated with that old woman who gave you a card and a thin mint… ;)
Cheers!
December 18th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
Ugh. People should be leaving you cards (and more thin mints!) of thanks rather than complain. Are THEY the ones delivering 300+ papers before dawn? No… But yayy for the nice woman!
December 18th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Well said! I wouldn’t get out of my car either, I’d instead put cat-poo in the middle of their newspapers and see what they have to say about that. And the person who sent you a card, that is just fab! I bet she is old and I love it.
December 18th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
I have always been curious about the inner workings of the newspaper “deliverer.” I finally have a newspaper deliverer I really like. I am sorry your customers are such jerks!
December 18th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
I wouldn’t mind throwing to porches if I could make it that far.
On some days, especially Thursdays and Sundays, they’re like phone books. I can barely fold them in half to put them in bags.
December 19th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Here’s my issue with the paper folk by my place. I know I have 2 middle aged guys that deliver the PG and Trib. On Sundays the guy with the PG will walk it up to my neighbors door while drop mine by the road. I’ve only been at my residence a few months so I’m thinking the previous occupants pissed him off. The Trib guy has done a pretty good job of getting it close to my place.
Personally I think that the Trib and PG should equip all of your cars with a paper canon to shoot the papers at our doors. Sunday will require more air.
December 19th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
I have to second Spoon’s idea:) I remember those Nike commercials a while back when the old Steeler’s QB (I can’t remember his name) was throwing newspapers accurately to people’s doors and it would hit with a huge thud b/c of his strong arm. Then again, people would probably bitch about that too.
December 20th, 2007 at 12:36 am
I think you work on your aim for complainers like that.
It reminds me of when a friend worked in snow removal… they wanted their walks cleared by 6-7am, but got mad if he made noise!
December 20th, 2007 at 5:48 am
People get SERIOUSLY pissy about their newspapers. I don’t get it. Our land line is very similar to the Denton Record Chronicle’s, so we get a lot of 6AM old people complaints. Usually we just tell them they got the wrong number. Once my dad yelled at them and told them to get a life. Once I think I told them I’d take care of their problem right away…
Let me know if you have any suggestions of what you’d like to say to these people, as I can do so with absolutely no consequence.