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    Welcome, meet my neighbors

    November 5, 2007

    The apartment has brand new cream carpets. There’s a van Gogh on the wall and my futon is the perfect color green. My grandmother’s rocking chair sits in the corner, covered with a homemade quilt and decorated with colorful, silk pillows from Turkey. It looks homey.

    And if you visit today, between the hours of 12pm and 8pm (with an even longer stretch on weekends), these sounds, THESE SOUNDS!, will incessantly emanate through the vents, and the floors, and the very pores of your skin, and they will not stop:

    There will be no consideration for Oprah at 4. Sunday mornings will no longer be holy. Your soul will turn black from the constant bile sent down through your ears and eyes and face. Wherever the sounds can reach you, they will come. And for the last 11 months, they came. They came and they came.

    Those songs of Satan? They were recorded by my computer which sat upon my bed. The windows were closed. The cracks were sealed. And I doubt your volume was turned up that high. And if it was, I thoroughly apologize, but rest assured, you have not experienced this year-long headache of reverberating amplifiers.

    It turns out that the devil himself is 16. He can play the guitar, but dear Lord, he cannot sing. Someone tell him he cannot sing.

    Also? Tell him that school ends at 3:00 and not at 12. What is he doing home?

    If you don’t see the player, consider yourself lucky. Or, reduce your volume, and click here.

    Categories: Daily

    17 Responses to “Welcome, meet my neighbors”

    1. Lisa Says:
      November 5th, 2007 at 11:14 pm

      Wow, that’s unlucky.

    2. Robert Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 12:57 am

      Is that a person or a demon?

    3. Rachel Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 1:05 am

      Robert - My point exactly.

    4. NYCWD Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 1:43 am

      That’s actually Rape Me from Nirvana. Hardly devil music. At least it wasn’t when Kurt Cobain did it.

      Advise your neighbor that a) He’s not Kurt Cobain and b) Stop besmirching my generation’s Jim Morrison lest I need to lay a smacketh down.

      kthxbai

    5. Rachel Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 1:55 am

      NYCWD - Oh, I’m aware that the song is Nirvana. I enjoy the real deal.

      However, his versions of songs (and mind you, there are hundreds) are so painful that by the time the unbearable loudness enters my home and grabs hold of my brain, any traces of the originals are blackened and recreated into noises I’ve never experienced.

    6. Bri Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 2:48 am

      wow. and I thoght my downstairs neighbors with the screaming and knocking over of furniture (that’s what it sounds like, anyway)and the loud sex, with an entirely different sort of screaming (ick)were bad. again wow. not feeling so unlucky now. thnx :)

    7. Nicole Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 7:53 am

      Wow, I would be insane by now if I were you. It definitely makes my crazy nocturnal upstairs neighbors who drop heavy things at 3am seem like lovely people. I almost want to go and thank them.

    8. spoon Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 9:21 am

      That would make me kill my neighbors. BTW, tell the drummer to practice more.

    9. Alicia Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 10:35 am

      One reason I don’t know if I could handle living in an apartment building. Haha, that is horrible for you.

    10. Frank Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 10:58 am

      Some of the ridiculousness I’ve experienced:

      -upstairs neighbors who seemed to enjoy running foot races from 2am-4am.
      -upstairs neighbors who loved techno on Sunday mornings
      -having a bedroom window facing a loading dock where it sounded like they had dumpster bowling competitions on Saturday mornings.

      However, your neighbor takes the cake. My condolences!

    11. Michael Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 2:25 pm

      Yuck. Now I understand better.

    12. Woy Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 5:20 pm

      1. Obtain some Kenny G, stat.
      2. At 1:00 AM turn stereo to 10, or beyond if you can swing it.
      3. Wait.
      4. When blood flows from the vents, stop.

      Repeat as necessary.

    13. Uncle Crappy Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 5:39 pm

      As long as you can play that clip in court, there isn’t a judge in the entire state of Pennsylvania who would convict you on assault/homicide charges…

    14. Gwyn Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 6:06 pm

      Yikes! And I thought having to listen to my roommate and her friends scream at each other in the middle of the night was bad. You definitely win.

    15. shannon Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 7:11 pm

      I think I might take the recording and play it for him, then play the real non-ear-piercing version and see if the kid understands. If that doesn’t work there is always the murder thing. I am pretty sure that “he needed killing” is a valid defense, and in this case true.

    16. Rachel Says:
      November 6th, 2007 at 9:29 pm

      Woy and Uncle Crappy - Those are both fantastic ideas.

      Shannon - I’m glad you agree.

    17. Cerys Says:
      November 7th, 2007 at 5:08 pm

      You should not be alowed to that to Nirvana by law. Oh, my ears. My soul. You have my sympathies, and I will totally give you a false alibi if you have to strangle him with his own microphone lead…